Adventures in Home Education
A Box of Vitamins and Human Rights

We have had THE MOST interesting happening with a conflict between Olivia and Scarlett. It started with having a vitamin from the vitamin box.

Olivia had the vitamins, and Scarlett wanted them. Olivia said no.

Let the negotiations begin.

At this point, I should mention that me sorting it out for them robs them of the chance to sort it out themselves there in learning the skills to get along with other people.
It always interests me to see how the focus of the conflict becomes almost irrelevant to the act of negotiations. As things progressed, the box had two sheets of vitamins in it - Scarlett had a sheet in her hand and Olivia the box with the other. This illustrates pretty clearly that it's never about the 'thing' (vitamins, the box, the stick, the phone...); the thing is just a prop in the bigger picture.

Things were getting stuck in the negotiation, and there was a snatch, which I identify as an act of aggression and certainly against the rights of the person who had the object in their hand. This is where I stepped in.

"Hold on... how are we going to sort this out peacefully?"

There are three things* you can offer someone who has something that you want... three peaceful options, keep rights intact, and one of them USUALLY works.
But this time, there was hesitation, and then the big clanger clue dropped out of Olivia's mouth. She was going to "put the box up high so no one could have it".

All of a sudden, this went from a normal practice in negotiation to learning how to respect a really big boundary - one where I ask you to leave it, and you observe my request. While there is a cross over, it's sort of a dead-end in terms of negotiation, it's non-negotiable stuff!

What a big lesson, to observe the rights of a 3-year-olds and her respectful request.
What followed was 'thinking on the run' for me. How do we behave when we respect the other person's wishes? And I was able to point out that not many things in our house are put out of reach - instead, our ability to communicate with each other around cooperation and social boundaries is kept 'well oiled'. While the fingernail polish and superglue are up high, things like phones, wallets, the chemical cupboard, the front door, scissors, knives.... are all accessible but have had guidance around how they fit in with personal, safety and cultural boundaries.

Once we established that Olivia had the right to say "no", and that she had the option of putting the vitamin box up high OR leaving it within reach - because, in our home, we would observe the boundaries of that object and her rights and wishes... the learning was complete. The dis-agreement turned into an agreement.

Two minutes later, Olivia offers Scarlett the box.


* 1/ Ask, a direct request, 2/ Propose a swap, and 3/ Ask if they can let you know when they have finished with it.